H O L I D A Y .

So yeah, after three weeks of examination, we were given our mid year holiday which consist two weeks. So far, two days have already passed and I'm at my hometown right now.

Sigh, because of this, I missed the chance to support my friend in the TDS's Dance competition. I wanted to support so much but what the hell. I was even a free ticket but I had to decline. I was pissed off  honestly but oh well, there's nothing I can do. All contestants from Dua Space made it into the finals and I'm really happy for them.

I went to consult a specialist in bones during my stay in Malacca and I have been told I shouldn't expect to dance for three months. That's it, I'm done. I'm not gonna take my Advanced 1 examinations and I'm going to be slower than the girls in my class. I already lost the strength in my body and GUGH, my muscles are gone. This is the worst nightmare.

My brother bought a new laptop and I'm blogging now using his old one. I find it really convenient for me to play Audition, LOL. I just realized I can now solo tag hearts using this laptop. And now I can Audi anywhere I go. Just that if I have a keyboard that can Beat Up and Guitar it will be better.

Oh my gosh, it suddenly started to rain and it freaked me out. It was like the sky suddenly epoured a bucket of water on the roof of my aunt's house. It's late at night and it rained yesterday too. We rarely have heavy rain at night back at home and I'm not used to it.

Ahh, with my foot like this I'm stuck at home. I can't go to ice skating with my friends like I used to every holiday. They planned to go to Sunway Lagoon but it's impossible for me. I guess I'll use this two weeks to heal my foot. But it's a long journey.

I feel like changing everything at my blog.

---

Finally, you spread your wings and flew out of the cage.

I hope you don't get back into that mess again.

Deep Down.

Now, I'm not a good person. I have an evil seed inside me and every second I'm growing it's gonna bloom along with me. It's just that my good side is gonna stop it. I believe I kinda have something like a dual personality. Duh, I'm a Gemini.

I'm not gonna hold back anymore. I'm done with fake smiles and saying "I'm okay.", "It's nothing.". This harsh world has exposed me enough to its cruel reality. I'm tired of this bullshit. I was doing my Biology paper when all these thoughts went into my head. Biology is the 'study of life', so it's natural for me to think of life.

Since the beginning of this year, I'm greatly distracted. I'm facing my major exams this year and I still have this 'I don't give a damn' attitude towards everything. SW once admired this attitude of mine and I'm like, this is really admirable? I laughed, I didn't really think it was anything good.

This rant of mine, shall begin. Honesty, you will witness.

Since I met you bunch of people, my life had been chaotic. I'm dragged to stupid stuffs that I wasn't involved and affected by all of your stupidity. I never wanted to know you people. I didn't like you all. But then, I guess I still have a kind heart and this irritating way of not saying 'no.' I kept up will all of your stupidity.

Thanks to you guys, I have been back stabbed, lied to, and having people talk at my back. Thanks a lot, really. You gave me another reasons to hate you all. I figured handling with all you people's dumbness wasn't healthy for me and my pitiful brain so I cut all ties with you all. But then again, I couldn't avoid you all completely, there are other sources of your stupidity keep coming back at me. I haven't even seen your faces yet, wadda flower Hanamiru I love you so much. <3

I seriously was living my life normally without any distractions. I even started flipping books at the beginning of this year. But look, why am I caught in the net again. Everyday I'm updated with your nonsense that really make no sense to me nor it bring me any entertainment. And once again, I don't have the heart to say 'no' so I endured your foolishness everyday.

I guess I'm really evil deep down and I can hide it well, because maybe all of you think I'm a really nice person that's worth to bully and play around. Heh, even you guys had no contact with me anymore, my mind is still tormented by your yes, your stupidity. I wasted my brain spaces thinking of problems that isn't even mine.

Damn it, I'm even dedicating a post to you all people, even when you guys can't even see it. Hah, I'm always out of the picture. Hell yeah, I'm left out, thrown aside, placed in the corner of the room where the light can't reach. And maybe you don't even realized how much salt I wasted from my body to create tears.

My heart is burned with jealousy and rage every time I see your smiles. It's sad, but it's true. The way you kept me out was something I couldn't put away lightly. But I still lived through it everyday. Sometimes, I forget but it wasn't something I can forget completely. Curiosity, it keep comes back to me, hitting straight towards my face, reminding me how far behind I'm left behind. But I can't do anything.

How pitiful I sound. But then I shouldn't get any sympathy, because I know I don't deserve it. Deep down, I wished I could meet you guys way later in my life. Maybe, it's even best that I don't even meet you all at all. But that's impossible, because life is always there to screw things up.

And I guess there's something worth it after all this bullshit and crap that's draining every second of my seventeen year old life. But so far, I see none but one.

Hi dad who is always reading my blog.
Please do not worry about me or my feet.
I'm okay and I'm sorry I might not visit you during the holidays.
I was really looking forward to go to that Converse stall.

---

I wish I can sleep forever.

Road to Recovery.

I don't know is it me, or is it you all. I don't see the point anymore.

I rather regret not going to Tokyo Disneyland than to regret for not studying Physics.

Torturing yourself by sleeping so late at night and then to wake up even before the sun rises, just to flip through the books and then to close your eyes again. I don't know I should admire your effort or think that's sad. Sure, I know exam is all important and stuff, but do you have to go to that extend?

I know I have this personality, which I don't give a damn on how well I do, unless it's something I really like, like dancing. That's why when I remained neutral whenever I see my failed Add Maths paper. I know I should be like, 'AWW YEAH I GOTTA STUDY', but I don't see the point anymore.

Sigh, why should I do stuffs I don't like to do anyway?

---

How many times had I been here?

I looked at the pictures hanging on the wall. They had been there since I was five, and they probably aged older than me. They're still in the same spot, same height above the ground, talking about our stomach and how bacteria attack our body.

Clinics, I don't go to them much as I almost never get sick. And when I do it's a mild case and not worth going. Swallow some pills, have some rest and then I already ready to go. Yeah, I save my mother some money by not seeing the doctor. But then again, I don't get sick often.

Few weeks ago, I went to see Chinese doctors right after I sprained my foot. Not only it did not get better, it was still swelling like an inflated balloon and my assistant monitor kept poking it. People kept asking me if it hurts, and I kept telling them it didn't, it's just that it's really swollen and walking is hard.

Gah, how long before I can run and dance again?

After one week, with no sign of recovery, my mother finally took me to the Western doctor. My friends in school already advised me to see them, and they have been really a good help. I'm glad to have them and I thank you all, really.

Haha, I remember when I first sat down and let the doctor inspect me. I don't remember what he said exactly but it's something like, 'How the hell did you get yourself into this?!' It seems I have gotten myself edema because the previous doctors were massaging my foot and caused my vessels to swell. I got injected at the butt. Oh, dear why.

I had to skip school, total of four days. I broke my record. I had to reduce my walking, I can't take meat and I had to place my foot above stacking pillows. What makes me really confused is that both Eastern and Western doctors have a hell different way of treating my foot. I was so confused at that moment I did not know who to believe and if I should follow what they say. My father asked me if I was ready to chop off my leg.

So yeah, I insisted go to school and tution even with my poor foot condition because exams are around the corner and I just don't like the idea of skipping classes. I skipped school, tuition, Ballet lessons and Wushu club activities. I'm the damn secretary of the club! I hope the teacher isn't mad at me anything.

Thanks to some friends, I managed to get swelling down and FINALLY I could see the shape of my leg and yes I see my bones, yay. However, the more I walk and move around, the more it begins to swell again. And then my mother would force me to lie on the bed with my foot placed high, making me think the ceiling as the floor.

Just when it finally shrinked, I got allergy on my leg. Seriously, I had two jabs again, one on each arm because the doctor screwed up the first time. My foot has rashes and it isn't a pleasant sight. People would stare at my foot like it's an alien and it's so damn freakin' itchy. Looks like the previous doctor's herbs didn't really help much. :/

And so I was making frequent trips to the clinic. Almost everyday just to see the doctor. Even the nurse recognized me and foot and they would stare down from the desk just to see my foot. And then the stares I would get from other patients as I limp my way to the consultant room with that swollen, red, ugly looking foot. I got used to it.

I did an X-ray and fortunately there is no fractures or dislocated joints. Blargh, thanks to this incident, I had to depend on my left leg a lot. And because of that, I lost all my muscles of my right leg. Damn it, my right leg is so weak now that the muscle is loosely hanging around it's so disgusting. I can't even stand on my right leg for just a few seconds. How am I going to dance again? :<

So far, my feet is recovering and even the doctor said I was going to be okay. The rashes is still there and I still feel weak. I have to go down the stairs one step at a time and I am still slow. But I can walk more naturally now.

So yeah, that's it. I'm currently facing my mid terms and it isn't going so well, I guess. Two more weeks to go? I'm not sure, I don't know. Sigh, I should really change my habit before I really regret.

---

I can't stop this feeling.

The Day I Fell.

I caught a glimpse of the ball as it flied to the hands of the opponent team.

With my legs, I ran towards the girl. I felt my legs stomping the ground as I bought my body with me. My eyes were only on the red ball.

The sun was shining so brightly on the cement court. Shadows of ours danced as was ran from one side of the court to another. It was so intense. I could feel it. There was so much adrenaline. I just wanted to grab the ball and then win for my team.

My hands reached towards the opponent who was running away from me. She shot pass by me and I had to go after her. I could still feel my legs. I ran. And then, our body came into contact.

And then, I fell.

---

The pain came as soon as she ran away with the ball. I couldn't stand. I fell to the ground. I can't feel much of my left except for pain, pain, pain. It felt like it was ripped apart. It felt terrible. I didn't scream, I just was in agony. Shadows fell on me as the other girls gathered around me.

'Did you sprained your ankle?'
'Can you stand?'
'Are you alright?'

No, I don't know the feeling of a sprained ankle. I don't want a sprained ankle. I don't want to get injured. Of course I can't stand, it feels horrible by just sitting on the hard cement floor. No, I'm not alright. What if I can't dance again? What if I can't do the things I did before? I felt so helpless.

My body weight was barely supported by my friends as I limped my way to the canteen near the court. I didn't like the feeling of depending on people. I thought I was going to be okay. The pain has already ceased and I thought it was going to be fine. I'm gonna be okay later. I'm okay.

I smiled. My friends told me I should go to the health room. I laughed. I thought it was just an unlucky accident.  I sat on the bench and looked at the others play. How unfortunate I had to leave the court injured, I was starting to fall in love with basketball. How unlucky I was.

A part of my left foot started to swell. I knew I had to do something. I walked my way to the health room. I waved to my Wushu teacher as he taught the students of the afternoon session. He didn't even noticed how much pain I had gone through. He smiled back at me.

My chemistry teacher took a look at my foot as I sat down on the sofa of the health room. She did what she had to do as a teacher as I waited. I only looked at my foot as my teacher massage the area where it swelled. There was pain, but still bearable. My teacher said my pain receptors were deep in my skin.

Thanks to my lovely friends, I munched on the biscuits I bought with me to school. I didn't really had the appetite to eat. I was thinking how long will this injury be there. How long till I am able to dance again. Will I heal 100% and go back to my normal life? Am I going to survive this obstacle? Many thoughts went to my head, things and people.

Eventually, I returned to class. I managed to fool everyone by walking almost naturally. But still, there are still people who knew what happened and asked about it. I smiled, I said I fell and then I turned away. The class was noisy as our Math teacher wasn't here for already two weeks. Just like me, he's facing an obstacle, probably worse than mine. I really hope he's okay.

I wonder what got into my head. I sprained my foot badly and based my memories, my Ballet teacher told us how careful we have to be and how fast we have to react once we got an injury. But there I was, limping my way to the canteen, bought fried rice as my lunch and acting like there was nothing else in the world except for the drama competition that I had to go to support my friends. What the hell was I doing?

I could have went back home straight after I sprained my foot, but I did not. I watch the Form 4 students acted out their Alice in Wonderland parody, laughed at my friend's drama and limped my way back to the hall to do my duty as a secretary of the Wushu club. I took attendance of the students, counted how many heads there are and walked back and forth to the health room, hoping I can see the teacher again.

Sigh, how I felt like running and joining the Wushu members when they were practising. They flew in the air, jumped high above the ground, kicking their legs with their strength. How I missed the feeling of my feet already. But I could only watch as I sat beside where they were. I'm glad my friends were there for me, and thanks to Hana who bought me more ice.

I was stupid to wait. The moment I got into my mother's car, I grabbed my cellphone in my bag that contained my Ballet stuffs and dialled for my teacher. I think that was the most sensible thing I did that day. I broke the new to her and as expected, she was frustrated I hurt myself. I asked for her advice and did what she told me to, I went to see the doctor. Or you could say someone specialised in examining foot and doing what's right. In other words, I don't know the term for the person I went to see.

Anyway, I limped my way to see the doctor. After waiting for quite a long time while watching some Chinese Kung Fu movies, I limped my way into the room and let the doctor check on my food. She applied some liquid on my foot and began to massage my foot. Ahh, she knew exactly where I was hurt without asking and the places she massaged hurt me like, ohmyflowerhanamiru - PAIN. For the first time on that day, I gave into the pain. Then, another woman took over and basically she seemed like to jerk my leg, surprising me and made me experienced a mini heart attack.

I returned home with a bandage on my left foot. I couldn't attend my Ballet class or do any sports activities for two weeks. It hurt more than before I went to see the doctor. I skipped two days of school, caused my mother to worry me, made people forbid me to play basketball and I can't drink tea when I was at a dinner my cousin treated us when I went back to my hometown, Malacca. I CAN'T DRINK TEA.

For nights my foot swelled like a balloon getting ready to burst. How I had to resist my temptation to take a needle and pop is simply indescribable. If you had to compare my right leg and my left leg, you wouldn't need to compare, it's worlds apart. It's obviously swollen to core until you can't see my ankle. And people always compared that I was skinny that I was made of skin and bones, maybe I should show them this. My right foot looks reaaaaally fat.

I don't know when will I recover. I don't know if I can dance again. I think of all the things I want to do after it heals. I want to walk again. I want to feel my foot again. I want to be normal again. And maybe, just maybe, play basketball again?

Nahhs.

---

Right here, right now, I want you.

It feels stupid that it's only been such a short time, we made promises of a life time.

But I believe. I'm not gonna just let these feelings slip by.

21st of April - The Last Run.

Wadda heck happened to Blogger? It had changed soooo much. It's like another website to me already, LOL. Gahh, I'm not used to it and I think the whole thing is weird. Me no like changes :< But it does give me extra information. Unnecessary, perhaps? But then, oh well.

ARGH, I'm not used to this.

---

So yeah, I'm already spending my fifth year at my secondary school. And I'm sure everyone hates school especially the studying and exam part, but I actually like the events going around unlike primary schools where I spent my childhood studying and receiving pressure. Secondary is actually fun.

And so, it's my final year I'm participating in our school's road run. I missed my first year because I was sick. Did I post about this before? I don't know. Anyway, I wanted to run. I love running. Running since I was 7. But I'm not fast, sadly.

So it was like every other year, we gather at the school's field and do some basic warm ups which I think doesn't help us much. I rather do my own warm ups. But oh, they played 2NE1's I Am The Best. I felt like dancing straight away, HAHA. After waiting for the younger students to leave the field, we went out through gate and began running.

I don't really have a strategy on running. I always wanted to get a medal, but I simply don't have the stamina. My friends always think I can do it, and has high expectation on me, but I really can't. After running for three years, I have improved, but it just wasn't enough. I didn't expect to win this year too, I just wanted to run for the last time, along with the people in my school.

My friends didn't wanted to run this year, even though it's their last. Hana used to run and she got quite good rankings, but she walked. Chee Chee didn't even wanted to come to school but she did. My little sister is so damn cute, okay that was damn random. Anyway, I said I wanted to run for them.

So I did my best. I ran. I walked. I gasped for air. I breathed fast. I triggered my abbs for no reason and it hurt like hell. I listened to my music with my phone. I overtook people. People overtook me. I ran. I reached the finishing line and I got the 31st place. And I was like, 'Aww, one more rank and I could got myself a medal.'

But I wasn't really disappointed. When I knew my ranking I was just so tired I don't care. I wanted the 7Up Revive like how last year they gave us free but they didn't! They didn't even gave us food. So when the Milo truck came into our school, EVERYONE dashed for it. I was lucky I was passing by and I went to queue up.

And what do you know, some uncivilized bastards start pushing around and cutting queues. The prefects can't do much since there was so many people. Imagine sweaty students that stink especially guys pushing around and gah, it felt horrible. I was near the truck but I didn't move from my spot for minutes. Damn those people. I wish I could just drown them in Milo. I got a cup of Milo, whee.

Then, it was time for the medal/prize giving ceremony. I don't what the hell is wrong with this year but they told us to sit according to our houses. It means we're separated from our friends which are from other houses. That just sucks.

Oh, this was also my first time bringing my phone to school. I had been a good girl for so long and I finally went against the rules. Oh, I feel so rebellious >_> LOL. Nahh, I had to bring it because I wanted to listen to music and contact my brother as I was staying back for drama practice.

Ahh, I never thought I would participate in a drama project but I was only the narrator. I didn't have to act, just speak some lines. It was okay, I guess. I loved the script my classmate wrote and the whole thing was funny. I don't know, I felt close to my class.

Well, it started raining so we stopped practicing. I went back home with an empty stomach. It feels great taking a shower after sweating so much. Exam is coming. I had fried rice for dinner. My timetable is changing soon. I'm so random kay thanks bye.

---

Don't let go.

Shoes.

If you were to be standing in my shoes, facing my problems, going through what I have experienced, what will you do? Will you do better or worse?

No one knows, only me. Because those are my shoes you are wearing, and they only fit me.

---

It does .. seem like a very random topic, doesn't it?

Well, I'm not expert in fashion and I don't give a damn about it. I'm just blogging whatever is in my mind somehow it's shoes. Shoes, shoes, shoes.

So one Saturday when I was hanging out with my friends. We watched the Hunger Games (Nice show, gotta read the book soon) and then my friend wanted to shop for heels. I didn't joined them because I wanted to get back home in time for Guitar Arena, HAHAHA. I'm so bad.

Anyway, I had no interests in high heels. In fact, I don't really like them. It hurts my heel and just like my previous Physic teacher advised us ladies to not wear high heels too much as our weight acts on a small surface area and thus pressure is created and something bad might happen. :3

Even for my not-so-tall height, people told me not to wear high heels cause they say I'm too tall. I'm not tall at all, seriously. But I'll listen to them and not wear high heels.

But you know what I like? SNEAKERS.

CONVERSEEE ! Aren't they the most beautiful thing ever?

Since I could remember, I always shopped for sneakers. I have three pairs at my storeroom and one of them is a Converse, though .. it's fake. OH MAI WHEN I'M HAVING A REAL ONE *cries*

I think sneakers look way more nicer and it's cool. I don't wear skirts so you can always see me in jeans. And jeans go better with sneakers. And I can jump, stomp, run, bounce around, slide, shuffle better with sneakers than high heels. And they don't click.

Another shoe that I would love to wear is something not everyone can wear. Yeah, they're pointe shoes.

My newly bought pointe shoes.

Not everyone would play RM100+ to wear them(?)

Standing on your toes sounds painful for most people but I think feeling is sensational. In fact, among all the different kind of Ballet shoes, I enjoy wearing pointe shoes the most. Even though I had lost two toenails, gotten countless of bruises and had my skin torn, it still feels amazing to put them on.

I mean it's not like I enjoy the pain but I don't know, it's fun to wear them. I enjoy pointe work and standing on the tip is fun for me. And what do you know, when you wear pointe shoes, you're actually taller than when you're wearing high heels ! Pointe shoes, FTW.

Oh by the way, the sandals that I wore for don't know how long has finally had its strap broken. I was on my way to my Ballet class when it broke. I had to kinda limp and drag my slipper up the staircase, bring with it down after class and struggled to walk to the car while a guy looked at me. Ahh well, I guess I have to finally change my shoes.

Mom bought me a red sandals days after I said goodbye to my pink sandals. Actually she bought two but there's no way I'm gonna wear sandals that has a butterfly printing. Ugh, disgusting butterflies.

So, I guess that's it.

CONVERSE AGAIN ! CUTEST THING EVARRR.

Boys.

I'm actually surprised that I got response from my previous post !

Now I know how much people have watched the Black Swan and actually remembers that actress Natalie Portman did receive a Myiofascial release session, LOL. I apparently forget that scene and was in a blur state when they asked me about it.

---

Hmm, boys.

They're the next organism that is most similar to a average female human, which is who I am. Though we're almost the same, there are some slight differences between us. Of course, there are the physical differences and how they think and act, etc.

It really seems strange for me go blogging about guys, since as long as I can remember, I don't really blend with guys much. But, I'm a normal girl so I am attracted to guys. Kyah, T.O.P <3

I don't know if it's me or what, but boys are really different to me. Or maybe it's really me. I don't know. I once thought boys are almost like aliens. But it isn't entirely true. I really think I'm the one being weird, haha.

When I was in primary, I don't think I had problems communicating with boys. In fact, we're forced to since the seat arrangements are always boys sitting with girls. Even if we might not talk immediately, sooner or later, just so naturally, you begin to talk and become friends. However, many relationships in primary school are like, how do say it? Rivals between different gender?

The boy teases the girls, the girls hits him. And then they say things like, 'OH I HATE HER/HIM.' I do have these kind of experience before and for me they're really energy consuming. I remember it was like that for me until I was 10, then I sat with a REALLY quiet guy when I was 11 (we didn't talked at ALL.), then I had really good guy friends when I was 12.

Ahh, then we entered secondary school. It was then everything changed around me.

I think it's really me. I only hang out with my girl friends. Then also, I think I changed. I was already that quiet since primary school and I don't talk to boys anymore. I think I'd gotten more shy. I did not dare to approach guys anymore.

I get reaaally nervous when talking to a guy and I really become tongue-tied whenever I talk to them. Is it because I'm growing up? All those things call hormones? Ah, I don't know.

The tiny-sized boys grow up so suddenly but then I think their attitude hasn't really changed much, haha. Still, there are still relationships like boys teases girl, girl hits boys, cut the 'OH I HATE HER/HIM' part. I think they're really immature, just being honest.

Well, for all of my secondary school life, my interactions with boys is close to zero. Only exchanging few short words between them, only when necessary. Now that I think about it, where the hell did my courage went? I was just speaking fine when I was 12 and when I'm 13, it's all gone. Amazing, I know right.

And then suddenly, now that I'm Form 5, I begun talking to guys again. It's like learning how to walk again. While sometimes I still think it's scary, I'm glad everything is returning to normal again. I couldn't do it if the boys didn't kept mentioning me, too.

So after almost five years of not talking to guys, I think they have changed during the this period. Comparing the the 12 year old boys I knew then and the ones now, they have apparently turned perverted. HAHAHA, is there really innocent 17 year old guys out there right now?

Well, I don't think every guy out there is perverted, but the boys in my class are insanely funny and well yeah, they do disgust us sometimes. But then it wouldn't be funny and then there will be no laughter in the class. Like when our assistant monitor used his towel to give himself breasts.

So in conclusion, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We're planets apart and even if we're living on Earth, we still don't get each other. But then, even I will think the world is boring if only women existed. Hello, our eyes feed on handsome guys.

---

One day I'll stuff a dynamite into our mouth, plant a bomb where your heart is - wait, you don't have a heart - and set you on fire.

And when you're gone I won't shed a single tear.

I won't even be sad.